Ann Voskamp Interview

Hi!  I came across this interview with Ann recently, and her words encouraged and challenged me greatly!!  If you haven't seen it, please take a few minutes, grab a cup of coffee, and watch it!

Here it is!

Enjoy!  :-)

Living Out Eucharisteo Before My Boys

I just finished chapter 8. I can't believe it myself (especially thinking of the way I devoured the first seven chapters so quickly!), but I got distracted and set the book aside for a bit. So, I re-read chapter seven and then moved on to chapter 8. As I read this morning, I kept thinking, "how did I possibly allow myself to set this book aside????".

Anyway, I loved reading about Ann's encounter with her son...the attempt to understand what was happening "under the toast". I have always had a deep need to understand the issues behind our boys' actions and reactions. In fact, this has caused some conflict along the way when my dear husband has felt that we should simply discipline or punish more quickly rather than talking through the situation. I will admit that there are times he has been right and I've been wrong...sometimes the consequence was clearly needed and should have been expected right away by the guilty boy. BUT I have seen God bring healing and understanding as we've opened up situations and looked at the deeper issues. As I read chapter eight, I felt God affirming that and also leading me to show these three boys how to really SEE God in their brothers, in their conflicts, in their dealings with each other.

I begin to wonder...do I model this? Do I really see God in their little faces? Of course, I want my answer to be yes AND in the moments when they are being so sweet and cute and "God-like" (or at least my interpretation of God-like), I can answer confidently that I see God in them. BUT do I see Him in their faces of disgust or bitterness? Do I see God when they are demanding their own way? Do I give thanks when I feel like a mother duck being pecked to death by her ducklings? Do I see God when they don't look the way I think God looks? Will I be thankful in the next little while when one of them wakes up before I am done with my alone time this morning?

I have some work to do. I want them to see Eucharisteo lived out before their eyes in all kinds of situations. My hope is that giving thanks and seeing joy will be as much a part of them as breathing.

a great day of hiking during spring break with my posse....

The Miracle Of The Hard Eucharisteo

I was feeling pretty good about the whole eucharisteo business, thinking to myself that I was getting to be an amateur Ann Voskamp of sorts. Look out world, maybe I’ll write a book. Ok probably not that, but maybe an interesting blog post at least.

Oh, but wait. Not so fast little missy.

I was sitting at my doctor’s office, enjoying a few minutes of peace while the kiddos were at home with the babysitter. (Side note: Nothing like looking forward to your annual gynecology visit because you know the waiting room will bring some sweet, uninterrupted reading time. I know you’ve all been there girls!)

Up on the table frocked in one of those lovely hospital gowns, I crack open chapter 5. Gulp. I read of her neighbor’s son being killed, her son undergoing a terrible injury, her memories of her mom holding her baby sister as she lay dying, and suddenly, I don’t feel like such an expert anymore.

It’s a little easier to be thankful for beautiful spring flowers in the middle of a busy day changing poopy diapers. This appeals to the writer/creative side of me. It’s romantic in a way.

I imagine the setting: Me, showered and with makeup on of course, busily cooking dinner, a little harried as I’m jumping over toys lying in the kitchen floor, sweetly reminding my children not to strangle each other, and yet, I’m stopping to lift up a thanksgiving prayer for the singing bird on the window sill. I’m channeling my best Ann Voskamp.

Did I mention this was all in my imagination? I can do this I think.

But now…. this? Mangled hands and dead children? I’m not so sure I’m signing up for this chapter. Please, oh please, don’t ask me to go there Lord.

The HARD eucharisteo. Our worst nightmare.

”Joy and pain, they are but two arteries of the one heart that pumps through all those who don’t numb themselves to really living.” Ann Voskamp, Chapter 5

Can we have the joy without the pain please?

I don’t think it works that way here on earth.

And so, the alternative is to skip them both. To live numb with a hard shell covering our hearts. “Nothing’s gonna hurt me. I’ve wised up to the way things work down here, and I’m going to cruise here in the middle. It’s safe here.”

I’ve lived life that way for a while, while I was in the depths of depression. I don’t recommend it. It’s not a good plan really.

And so, that leaves me with the hard eucharisteo.

“Every step I take forward in my life is a loss of something in my life and I live in the waiting: How and of what will I be emptied of today?” Ann Voskamp, Chapter 5

Gulp!

Can I trust that He is good when it is easy to give thanks AND when it’s hard?

“No scripture glasses to read what God is trying to write through a prodigal child? Scrawl my own quick editing on the half-finished story: failure. Satan’s tongue darts.

Not wearing a biblical lens to decipher the meaning of a doctor’s ominous diagnosis? Just read Satan’s slippery interpretation: cheated.

Not using anything to bend the light of this world so I can read my own messy days? Spray on another layer of graffiti: worthless.” Ann Voskamp, chapter 5

And this is why she is writing the book, and I am not. In this one chapter she has written what it took me years climbing out a pit of depression to learn. God’s word is the only thing that will keep my perspective. It is the only thing that will allow me to both soak up the joy and live through the pain. Without it I can’t experience both with any semblance of sanity.

I will never forget calling the parent’s of a 19 year old on Christmas Eve and telling them their son likely wouldn’t make it through the night. Then, after a long night of call, falling into my comfortable bed at home and waking up to celebrate Christmas with my healthy, happy family. The stark contrast was enough to drive me crazy.

So unfair. Satan whispered, “Why do you deserve to be happy when they are not.” Guilt. He then chased that with one of his favorite weapons: Fear. “Just wait. You’re next.”

“Without God’s word as a lens, the world warps.” Ann Voskamp, Chapter 5

So true. So true. It took me many years to learn that. Satan and our sin love to take the truth and twist it and whisper to our hearts, “This could be truth”. Only it’s not. And it takes His word to bring the perspective back.

His word says He is always good. His word says He loves me even on the days I snap at my children while writing a post about eucharisteo (it’s back to square one for me ladies).

His word says there will be a day when “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:4

And it’s HARD. And I have to be reminded over and over.

This weekend I learned one of my 32 year old friend has invasive breast cancer. She’s got 2 young boys the same age as my kids. She is facing bilateral mastectomy, chemo, radiation. Sorrow comes heavily. Then a familiar whisper, “Why should you be happy when there is so much pain?” Then my old friend fear,”O Lord, don’t ask me to walk that road. I have children who need me.”

Can I believe God transfigures all the world?

“Darkness transfigures into light, bad transfigures into grace, empty transfigures into full. God wastes nothing-“makes everything work out according to His plan” (Ephesians 1:11). Ann Voskamp

Lord, let me brave enough to live the miracle that everything is eucharisteo. It is the only way to live.

And now let me leave you with some of my practicing everyday thankfulness (and an excuse to show some pictures of my kids. Sorry).

A daughter who matches the spring flowers

The season's first watermelon

and a 10 year old faithful friend!

Chapter Seven Thoughts

Chapter seven is one that I read and then read again, and then read again.  The convicting truth and precious grace of Ann's words bring clarity to many of the thoughts and frustrations that have seemed to have free reign in my mind.
Do I believe in the power of the pit?  Do I believe that anger and frustration will get me there?  I may say that I don't, but I am really the blasphemer.  God intends to use all of these moments that He gives me every day.  They are His moments....He has given them as a gift.  Why do I return the gift and basically say, "No thanks....try again....that was not what I wanted."  Oh, to see the moment by moment as gift.....the repetitive tasks that I accomplish one day, only to repeat them all again the next, to see these too as gift....to look through these moments and see His gift to me.  Why do I choose to wail like Hagar and not look up to see the well...full of living water?
To be the one responsible for the home, the education of my children, the nurturing of souls every day, and the plethora of other tasks that I tend to can be quite overwhelming when I think about it.  But with each chapter I am learning to slow...God is refining my heart, refining my focus, giving me a vision for ministry, filling me as I pour out.
I am practicing, and I am learning through this journey of Eucharisteo.  My relationships are deepening...with my children, my husband, and my God.  My daughter is journaling her own eucharisteo in Ann's 7 Gifts, Good and Perfect booklet.  We are practicing as a family through our own Trail to the Tree.

Thank you for sharing this journey...please feel free to post what God is revealing to you through these chapters.

Chapter Six Thoughts

Please feel free to post your thoughts (on any chapter or about the book in general) and your questions to the group (and to anyone else who may be following along on the blog).

Chapter six...chasing after the moon.  Those moon moments...do you have one or more of those?

I completely relate to Ann's description of her husband asking her to come out to see something.  The way she felt pulled to complete all of the tasks that she was currently tending to....dishes, dinner, children, cleaning up, etc. etc.  I have felt that tension so many times in my day to day.  Wanting to take the time to .....savor.....every....beautiful....moment.  But knowing that if I don't accomplish x, y, and z, no one else is going to do it and the a, b, and c all starts again tomorrow!
Reading about Ann's experience going out to see the moon for some reason brought the vivid memory of a camping and hiking trip to the Grand Canyon that a group of us took during fall break in medical school.  We drove from Arkansas to Arizona and arrived and set up camp late at night.  We awoke the next morning early and ready to see the canyon.  I was so excited and ready to take it all in.  I started on the southern rim trail, ready to see this beautiful handiwork of God.  Well, when I got to trail, I looked out and all I could see was very dense fog.  I could not see more than a foot in front of me.  I continued walking on the trail and felt very discouraged.  I could still see nothing.  I sat on a grouping of rocks and looked out into the fog and began to pray.  I poured out my heart to God, "I drove all day and into the night....I was so ready to take in your magnificent creation...why is it completely full of fog?...what does this mean?...what are you trying to teach me?....I feel frustrated....I feel disappointment."  My eyes were closed and the tears began to fall.  I remember sitting there, head bowed, tears flowing....and I heard God speaking to my heart.....He said, "Do you trust me?.....Do you trust that my creation you are not able to see is there?...Do you trust that the images you have seen in pictures actually exist in front of you?...Even though you cannot see what is one foot in front of you, do you trust me that it is there?"  My heart changed in that moment.  My vision changed in that moment.  My "chasing the moon" moment.... my place of seeing God came when I was unable to see.
Well, when I opened my eyes, a strong breeze came and cleared the fog....I was able to see the canyon!...I could see!....as quickly as the fog cleared it came again and covered everything.  God used this experience to teach me many things...how to trust Him...to walk by faith.

I am currently reading C.S. Lewis' Weight of Glory as I re-read One Thousand Gifts and I love how the two books are working together so beautifully in my heart. 

"Someone is behind it, in it.  Beauty Himself completes."  pg.110 One Thousand Gifts

"The books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing.  These things--the beauty, the memory of our own past--are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself, they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers."  C. S. Lewis, Weight of Glory

"Eucharisteo is everywhere and I want to see eucharisteo everywhere and I want to remember how badly I want to see."  pg.111 One Thousand Gifts

"The art of deep seeing makes gratitude possible.  And it is the art of gratitude that makes joy possible.  Isn't joy the art of God?" pg. 118 One Thousand Gifts

My prayer is to open my eyes to see....to take the time to see....even when I walk through the fog.

Mission and Chapter Five Thoughts

Our first book in our Book Club was Mission of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson.  It is one of the books that secured my calling, my vision for motherhood.  I struggled with what I felt God calling me to and how I was to reconcile that with all that was around me.  I had read so many books (parenting, discipline, motherhood) that broke my heart for the children....and broke my heart that these books were written under the banner of my Jesus.  God gave me a kindred spirit, a like-minded friend, when reading Sally's books.  Her love and passion for God, her mission as a mother to reach the hearts of her children, her goal of showing her children who this loving Jesus is through her life as their mother is truly a gift.  This past weekend I was able to go to Sally's Mom's Heart Conference.  (My first time to ever spend a night away from my children...other than being in the hospital).  I was able to go to tea on Friday with Sally and share with her my story and how her books have encouraged and changed me and how God is calling me to share that with other moms.  (Truly a gift from God....how often do you get to meet and share with an author your gratitude?)  Then, Sally asked me to share at the main conference on Saturday.  After I shared, several mothers came to discuss their situations with me, and I was able to pray with many of these women.  I cannot put into words in this post all of the ways that God spoke to me throughout the weekend, but suffice it to say...He used the time to refresh my mind and spirit and to refine my heart and my calling.  I encourage you...since it has been 3 years since we read the book together...to pick up Mission...find another mom or group of moms....and read the book again together.


Chapter five delves into the areas of my mind and heart that I have wrestled with through the years. 
"Does anyone whisper in the dead boy's house, 'God's grace...God's grace'?" (p.85)
"When I realize that it is not God who is in my debt but I who am in His great debt, then doesn't all become gift?" (p.94)

I love the way Ann allows me to wrap my mind around the "ugly beautiful" because when I look back on the years of my life so far, I have many many of those ugly beautiful times.  But I am sure that we all have those times....we must have darkness to see light, to appreciate light, and he takes those dark, ugly times and transfigures them. (definition of transfigure:  to change so as to glorify or exalt).

"It is suffering that has the realest possibility to bear down and deliver grace." (p.97)
"God is always good and I am always loved." (p.100)
"...take the pain that is given, give thanks for it, and transform it into a joy that fulfills all emptiness....This is the hard eucharisteo.  The hard discipline to lean into the ugly and whisper thanks to transfigure it into beauty." (p.100)
I love the imagery of leaning into the ugly...not standing up straight and tall and self sufficient...but leaning into the ugly, the pain...not shouting from the mountaintops in joyous expression "thank you" for this, but the whisper of thanks. 
As I am learning through practicing this eucharisteo....I pray that in the ugly I will lean...I will whisper...and He will transfigure.

Hurry [thoughts on chapter 4]

Being in a hurry. Getting to the next thing without fully entering the thing in front of me. I cannot think of a single advantage I've ever gained from being in a hurry. But a thousand broken and missed things, tens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rushing...Through all that haste I thought I was making up time. It turns out I was throwing it away. (from the pastor at the cemetery)

In a world addicted to speed, I blur the moments into one unholy smear. I have done it. I do it still....I push hard and I bark hard and I fall hard and when their wide eyes brim sadness and their chins tremble weak, I am weary and I am the thin clear skin, reflecting their fatigue, about to burst, my eyes glistening their same sheer pain. The hurry makes us hurt. (from Ann in chapter 4)

In the tussle out of a stubborn sleeve, a big brother swipes hard the head of a little brother and Small-Son wails the mad fists and there are coats and boots and still all the dominoes and dishes and books and who has time for all this more? More work? More stuff? More stress? I can feel my pulse quicken fierce. (again from Ann in chapter 4)

Oh, how this chapter brought me to a stand still. This is me. All of it...the pushing hard, the barking hard, the eyes brimming with sadness (theirs and mine), the pulse quickening. I am in despair as I think of the times I have hurt little hearts with my hurrying. I am full of hope as I think that I am slowly and painstakingly learning to weigh down the moments, to give thanks in the moments, to slow down, to stop pushing, to stop barking.

I sat in silence and pondered what exactly to do with this. Do we quit everything we are in? Do we resign ourselves to be late to everything? How do we live in the world but not of it when it comes to hurrying. The answers didn't come right away, but I've sensed God speak them to my heart as I've purposely listened. The thing I am most struck with is the fact that most of the time the reason we are hurrying is not their fault but mine. Oh, sure, sometimes they "dally" (my mom's made-up word for messing around). However, most of the time the reason we are hurrying is because I've tried to squeeze in one more blog post or one more project before we need to leave. On school mornings, I choose to hit the snooze button and that is MY fault NOT theirs. As I've taken ownership over the causes of the hurry, I've seen my patience level go up and their sadness and irritation levels go down. As I've taken steps to give us plenty of space in the "margins" of our day, the need for hurrying has amazingly diminished. As I have allowed God to weigh down the moments through my thankfulness, I have watched my boys' attitudes change...not in a magical "happens every time" way, but in a slow and graceful way. I know the spirit is at work in our family, and I am thankful.

What do you do to live in the world but not of it when it comes to hurrying?