This book is speaking to me right where I'm at right now--amazing how God ALWAYS does that!! I have been a stay at home mama since we had our first boy. Actually, I was even a stay at home mom for a year before we had kids--now THAT was fun!! :) I have always had a deep conviction to be at home, and I guess I've always thought that would mean I'm at home until the last one goes off to college. I have some friends who work and others who stay at home, and I'm not a staunch "you must stay at home or your kids will end up in juvy" mom. For our family, however, I've just never thought of anything different.
Recently, however, I've been in a crisis of belief. I got a call from a high school friend who just recently stepped into the "dean of students" role at our junior high. She was the 7th grade math teacher before that, and they were looking for someone to teach 7th grade math this semester. She was calling to see if I wanted to teach full time this semester. Well, of course I didn't--I'm pregnant (due in April), I have a 2 year old at home, and how will I pick up our 7 year old from school (his gets out earlier than jr. high) and go to his class parties????? All of these thoughts came to mind first, but then we prayed about it for a couple of days, and God started planting thoughts of possibility and then thoughts of, "we could do this and it would be a specific answer to prayer for a financial situation in our family". So, I'm doing it. In fact, at this very moment, I'm surrounded by 30 7th graders in a computer lab.
I thought it would be horrible. I thought our family would suffer huge wounds. I thought I couldn't do it and still be a good mama. I thought wrong...
In some ways, I have actually become a better wife and mama during these weeks. Our house has never been in the order it's in right now. My gifts are being used in new ways, and it's challenging me to be more creative with my own boys....
...and yet I can't get past that deep conviction that my daily "spot" in the kingdom is in our home. At the same time that I'm loving the ministry that's taking place with these 7th graders, I'm also longing for the ministry that takes place in the "dailyness" (is that a word?!) of being at home. I can't wait for this "job" to be over, and yet I'm sad to see it end.
The conclusion that my brain has come to is that, for now, while we have "preschoolers" my "spot" will be at home, and then we'll rethink it once they're in school.
The conclusion that my heart has come to is one of complete peace--resting in my Father's arms and trusting him completely to show us each year, each month, each week, each day where my "spot" is.
I thought I had this all figured out, and now I just don't know....but HE does and He's so smart and He'll let me know when I need to know.
I would love to hear from any of you who have had similar wrestlings or crises of belief. Any wisdom for me???
2 comments:
I have definitely had similar wrestlings. Mostly because people ask me all of the time when I am going to go back to work, comment about what a shame it is to not "use my education," and assure me that when my children are in school I can jump back in then. I never thought I would stay home with my children until life circumstances chose that I did. Now I cannot imagine going back. I miss the fellowship of coworkers and having conversations with adults, but not more than I love conversations with my children and teaching them every day. I love that the "pit in my stomach" is no longer there like it was when I left my sweet baby girl in daycare at the hospital. I know she was well taken care of and loved there, but my heart ached being away from her...my heart was divided as Sally discusses in her book. I agree with you that I have never been a "you must stay home" mommy, for me in this season it is where my heart is and where God has led me. You are right, God knows, and as we seek Him He guides us.
My 'stay at home' conviction began when I was an unbeliver listening to a Jew! Ha. Seriously, I DECIDED that 'if you are going to have kids then you need to be responsible and dedicated to them and raise them yourself without daycare' when I was listening to Dr. Laura Schlesinger on talk radio. Whatever! Not to say that she did not have some valuable things to say, although I don't think it was seasoned with much GRACE. But I ESTABLISHED that in my mind as the only way to do it 'right.' (I could say 'for me' but to be honest, I know I thought that true for everyone who was 'really committed.') Sad, but true.
Well, after staying home and doing what I chose and really wanted to do, I found myself to not be thriving - to put it mildly. I left my job (which I studied and worked toward for 11 years), moved from the South to the North, no family/friends/church, my husband working crazy long and hard hours and zillions of overnights, and less money. Then add 2 pregnancies and three babies under the age of three and you have a recipe for...I'll let you decide.
So, I started to cry and basically did not quit for about 18 months. Staying home with my kids was where I thought "IT" would be...'happiness, peacefulness, contentment'...when it turned out to be one of the sadder times in my life I was discouraged, disappointed and disillusioned. There just was no place in my mind to even CONSIDER changing the design of our family. I did not want to use daycare AT ALL, I did not want to 'sell out' and go back to work (I did not remember being all that happy there either)...I basically just did not want to be me and felt DEEPLY guilty for feeling that way.
What I learned, now that I am on the other side, is that if I am going to hold so fast to any idea of what I should be, or my family or any ideal THAT THERE IS NO ROOM for the Holy Spirit to prompt me to do something other than what I have in mind as 'the only right way' THEN I AM JUST LIVING BY A LAW (my own). When I heard that spoken to me it gave me freedom from my own self imposed condemnation. And in some ways it has helped my family I think. I did go back to medicine (part time in the evenings). It was VERY hard. Cried alot. Stephen was with the kids so I felt better about it. It has been very taxing on him - but he understands my challenges at home more intimately now - by his own report. So, our marriage is better. There is more grace between us. I don't think I have found the right balance yet in terms of hours at work; I think I may back off a little. But, I think what is most important is that I was OPEN to doing something taht perhaps God was prompting me to do that was contrary to my sense of righteousness. He cannot be put in a box.
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