Some of us have read the introduction, and some of us probably haven't yet. No pressure. Read, post, comment when you can. I love how she starts the introduction with the image of a mother's hands. Do you remember your mom's hands? I vividly remember sitting in church next to my stepmother and holding her hands. I loved to trace the prominent veins and truly wished my hands had the wrinkly look of hers. I thought it was beautiful. As I type this I look at my hands and see the wrinkles and veins (along with a princess jasmine bandage from cutting my finger last night...yet another blessing from children, fun bandages!) I can't believe that is me now, a mother, with three children to love and nurture. I don't feel old enough, yet the calendar tells me I definitely am! So often I find myself instructing, disciplining, telling again and again...wash your hands, chew with your mouth closed, don't eat that off of the floor, you're being a little too loud etc. etc. etc. Sally is making me stop and remember that in the midst of all of the repetitive day to day tasks of motherhood that my children need my focus, my attention, my encouragement, my energy and my love. I must remember to get down on their level, eye to eye with praise, hugs, kisses, laughter.
In my last post I wrote about surrendering the frustration and negativity. God has really been revealing the importance of this and how to do it. During the sermon on Sunday our pastor was talking about peace and stated that "peace is not the absence of conflict, but the presence of God." The world would have us believe that we must manage our circumstances, but God shows us that circumstances are where we experience life! What truth spoken straight to my heart. I have tried so hard to arrange our days and plan for everything (why my diaper bag weighs 30 pounds) so as to not have the fits, tantrums, meltdowns. This creates so much pressure, that the first thing to go wrong and boom, there I am, frustrated, short tempered, negative. God wants me to trust Him and reflect His image and use all of my circumstances to experience life and show that to my children. It is Tuesday and the past two days I have stilled planned, but allowed the circumstances to come. In the moments when three children at the grocery store seems like not such a good idea, I quote "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Proverbs 15:1 and "Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness that God requires." James 1:19-20. These are not just said words, but a heartfelt cry to a Father who hears and knows. Who really cares what the people in the aisle think about me or my children at that moment. I care about showing my children Christ's love and responding to them in love. Praise God for His faithfulness and teaching me so much about Himself through motherhood.
2 comments:
I loved the hands imagery, also!! I remember thinking when I was a little girl that when I became a real "lady" I would have beautiful hands like my mom. I don't think it's happened yet--mine aren't as pretty as hers--but my boys still like to hold them and rub them, so they must be beautiful to them.
Something you allude to is 'preparation in order to avoid' the disaster - tantrum, mess, you name it.
This may be going off on a tangent. I have noticed in my life lately (with MUCH HELP FROM THE HOLY SPIRIT) that MY preventative measures are really motivated by fear. Let me explain if you care to hear...
So I found myself becoming a bit paralyzed by preventative measures and thoughts. Prevention of disaster (running scenarios in my mind of how to get my child out of a sinking car), prevention of hardship (investing in a career that I thought would ASSURE me of no need to ever worry about being without; making life choices that gave me less stress, more money and more time..I could go on and on); prevention of fractured relationships (reading every book I can find on childrearing from any expert, journaling my heart to my kids in part so they could see that even if I failed them in some way, my heart was in the right place). There are a billion manifestations. Constructing external order, cleanliness so as to avoid a feeling of chaos, uncertainty...you get the idea.
BUT WHY?
I kept asking WHY.
So, I was at a Bible study and we were looking at the Exodus and specifically at the Isrealites fashioning a golden idol in Moses' absence. The question was WHY would they do that?
I listened to the responses from all the ladies in my group, but kept mine to myself.
My answer was LONLINESS. They could not SEE Moses or God's manifest presence - for even a short time - but they needed something they could SEE to substitute for the PRESENCE. That was my thought. Nice. Still did not see how that related to the above.
Later in the same study, deeper into the same passage, God tells Moses, basically ...OK, you can go to the land I promised you, and you can take those stiff necked people with you...but I WILL NOT GO WITH YOU. So, Moses was being given His promise, but without the presence. He was going to get the ideal, but without the relationship. IT was starting to make some sense to me.
A separate study I was doing was asking me lots of questions about my actual practice of believing GOD. I was noticing that there were things I would not ask Him for, things I would not expect from Him because I knew He had not promised them to me... like I would not believe Him for a healthy child - He has not promised me that (and there was subsequent insecurity, fear...and massive preventative measures going on!)...So, what He did not promise I would not ask for, but would try to prevent. WHY????
So, I was noticing that my faith was weak. My present active participle faith...the kind that was, is and will be, the kind that actually DOES something, asks something, believes for something...WHY????
Here is what He showed me.
I fear falling away. Specifically, I fear falling away because of tragedy, loss, disappointment. I fear questioning God and then not liking the conclusion I might draw. I don't want to enter into that position. I want to prevent it. Or at least 'prepare' for it - another face of prevention for me. You know, get my faith so strong that I am ready for that trial. Not possible. Not possible.
Why do I fear falling away? Because I KNOW what it is like to be without His presence. I know it. I remember it. I can still see it in some lives around me. I don't want to be there. It was so painful. I don't think I could bear it...and then what? The only thing that separates me from 'that' is JESUS. What if I turned away and entered into that lonliness because of severe tragedy or disappointment? How can I prevent that? I can't.
The Word of the Lord came to me from my husband. "Jesus is more committed to YOU than you are to Him. He may have to come and fetch you if you begin to walk away." What kind of Savior is He??? He pursued me from places no child should ever know, He speaks and shapes my still mostly unholy heart, He would even fetch me if I strayed away from His presence. He does what I cannot do..He saves me. He rescues me. He relieves me. I love Him.
So, I walked through a very deep depression and could not see ANY reason for being there. I could have told you it was promted by a million circumstances, chemical imbalances and family heritage. Not only could I not see a reason, I felt totally alone (eventhough I was not) and literally could not hear from God because my thoughts were so disorganized and overwhelming. But I did hear a little something that made me consider: was I willing to nail my image of myself to the cross and do whatever I needed to do in order to hear His voice again? Out of desparation my answer was yes. I sought some medical help and shortly afterward the above thoughts flowed like river. I could not see Him in the darkness where He was working on me. That deep sadness, lonliness and striving came from a place that I could define. But He is intimately acquainted with all of my ways and was gracious enough to reveal it to me. He made me a little more whole. I now love Him more than I did. I can worship Him more freely. I can testify to His intervening power. I can pass it on to my kids.
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