Hurry [thoughts on chapter 4]

Being in a hurry. Getting to the next thing without fully entering the thing in front of me. I cannot think of a single advantage I've ever gained from being in a hurry. But a thousand broken and missed things, tens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rushing...Through all that haste I thought I was making up time. It turns out I was throwing it away. (from the pastor at the cemetery)

In a world addicted to speed, I blur the moments into one unholy smear. I have done it. I do it still....I push hard and I bark hard and I fall hard and when their wide eyes brim sadness and their chins tremble weak, I am weary and I am the thin clear skin, reflecting their fatigue, about to burst, my eyes glistening their same sheer pain. The hurry makes us hurt. (from Ann in chapter 4)

In the tussle out of a stubborn sleeve, a big brother swipes hard the head of a little brother and Small-Son wails the mad fists and there are coats and boots and still all the dominoes and dishes and books and who has time for all this more? More work? More stuff? More stress? I can feel my pulse quicken fierce. (again from Ann in chapter 4)

Oh, how this chapter brought me to a stand still. This is me. All of it...the pushing hard, the barking hard, the eyes brimming with sadness (theirs and mine), the pulse quickening. I am in despair as I think of the times I have hurt little hearts with my hurrying. I am full of hope as I think that I am slowly and painstakingly learning to weigh down the moments, to give thanks in the moments, to slow down, to stop pushing, to stop barking.

I sat in silence and pondered what exactly to do with this. Do we quit everything we are in? Do we resign ourselves to be late to everything? How do we live in the world but not of it when it comes to hurrying. The answers didn't come right away, but I've sensed God speak them to my heart as I've purposely listened. The thing I am most struck with is the fact that most of the time the reason we are hurrying is not their fault but mine. Oh, sure, sometimes they "dally" (my mom's made-up word for messing around). However, most of the time the reason we are hurrying is because I've tried to squeeze in one more blog post or one more project before we need to leave. On school mornings, I choose to hit the snooze button and that is MY fault NOT theirs. As I've taken ownership over the causes of the hurry, I've seen my patience level go up and their sadness and irritation levels go down. As I've taken steps to give us plenty of space in the "margins" of our day, the need for hurrying has amazingly diminished. As I have allowed God to weigh down the moments through my thankfulness, I have watched my boys' attitudes change...not in a magical "happens every time" way, but in a slow and graceful way. I know the spirit is at work in our family, and I am thankful.

What do you do to live in the world but not of it when it comes to hurrying?

Check this out

Guys, reading the Bible while reading this book has really made me alert to moments that are "not enough" and yet worthy of giving thanks to God. Check out Mark 7:24-8:10(NIV). It highlights two instances where things did not go according to Jesus' plan! Imagine that?... He wanted no one to know he was going into that house, and he wanted no one to talk of the healing of the deaf/mute man he had healed. But, instead of bemoaning his seeming lack of control, he embraced the situation and saw what he was supposed to do...  This is helpful to me because it is an example of my everyday situation. This is good news.

I'm lovin' it

I stumbled upon the re-introduction of the Mommy's Book Club and I am so glad I did.

I am really getting touched by this book in ways that I cannot fully explain or even understand myself. I visited Ann's website and began crying as I looked through all the images. Why? I have no idea.

I think I am on Chapter 5 and I am not sure where this sentence is located in the reading but it has really stuck with me....

"The only words that really matter are the ones I live."

I have been amateur blogging for about a year and have gotten some good feedback. I have not fully decided what my blog will be "about" other than whatever comes to mind. I know that members of my family  have read it and I hope it is a conduit of God's grace in their lives. I hope.

But something about me knows that I can talk a good talk, but I don't think I am experiencing, regularly, that which I describe, that which I aspire to walk in - routinely.

I have moments of thankfulness and slowed time, but I don't live there. I want to live there. I think God wants me to live there. I know my husband and kids would benefit from my living there. And I was in this frame of mind when I picked up "One Thousand Gifts." Providential.

I have never read anything like her style of writing, to start with. I am gripped by it now. Eucharisteo  is a totally foreign concept to me, which I find to be very sad since I have been a believer for over 10 years (yes, G, it has been THAT long since our study nights at Denny's, after church lunches at the PCow and skipping class to discuss life at The Buffalo Grill!)

Seeing all the ways, now, in which Christ gave thanks in the midst of disappointment, poverty and pain and received JOY gives me HOPE. The idea that the poverty of time I feel can be remedied by the simple act of giving thanks is just revolutionizing my thoughts. I don't know if it has revolutionized all of my behavior, but I pray it will.

Being able to weigh down the moment by really seeing it, being present in it, and giving thanks for it - WOW, I never thought there was any way to address that troublesome issue of being human. I thought I was just going to have to live with my guilt and the cycle of hurry and impatience and irritation that drives it. This is good news.

I am wondering how to give thanks in the tragic, though. I know she is approaching this subject. I know she has already lived it (her sister and her nephews). She's touching on, now, the relationship of our good and all powerful God to these "graces." She's discussing those situations by suggesting that our perspective is limited. Unarguably, true. I have been known to be in constant preparation for catastrophe; this is something that is lessening for me, thankfully. But, I have always prepared in order to be able to be "one of those" who can hold on to faith in a good and beautiful God in the midst of significant tragedy. That is a preparation I am completely incapable of doing in my own strength, I have learned. I hope that Ann's words will help me to receive this particular grace from God.

I am needing to experience God's presence more. I have been battling/questioning all sorts of things in light of conversations I have had with very learned non-believers in my family. These are things you can pray about for me. What can I be praying about for each of you?

Chapter 3 thoughts

She's right. It takes learning. Sometimes learning is hard, and sometimes it takes awhile. I keep thinking I'm getting it, but then a very "unthankful" heart is suddenly beating in my chest.

Here's to learning. It's worth it. :)

Eucharisteo

Just got to school...1st graders are arriving in five minutes...hectic morning...classroom is not set up when I get here...Tim was in a grumpy mood this morning...still not used to him working Friday evenings and all day Saturday and Sunday...I'm being evaluated today by the principal...Simon has a fever, should I take him to the doctor?...

As I was setting up the chairs in my classroom, I found myself chanting this mantra "Eucharisteo...as long as thanks is possible, then joy is always possible". Thanks...can I give thanks? I can. Thank you for this job, perfect for me and for our family. Thank you for Tim, for a new job that fits his gifts and provides so well for our family. Thank you for his help in the mornings. Thank you for a great principal who values me and is interested in my life. Thank you for Simon, for healing him and for giving me wisdom to know when a trip to the doctor is necessary.

Nothing around me has changed, but I have found joy. Joy is ALWAYS possible. I'm learning it, s.l.o.w.l.y.....

Chapter Two Thoughts

As I read through this book, with each chapter I feel that so many layers are being removed and exposed in my heart and mind.  I almost don't want to go to the next chapter, because I think that the next chapter cannot speak as powerfully as the one I just finished.  But I move forward, and yet even more layers are removed and truth revealed.  Chapter two was very powerful for me.  Many times in the chapter I thought how could Ann have exactly the same thoughts that I have experienced?....on page 27, "Always, the failing.  I yell at children, fester with bitterenss, forget doctor appointments, lose library books, live selfishly, skip prayer, complain, go to bed too late, neglect cleaning the toilets."  That is how too many of my days seem to be....and that leaves me with frustration.  And this frustration leads to guilt and the cycle continues.  My one word for 2009 was laughter.  My desire was to laugh more throughout my days in spite of any circumstance that I face.  Well, I learned that year that my word required will power from me, and not reliance on God, His presence, or His grace.  My one word for 2010 was joy.  I deeply desired to be so full of His joy, that my response to what life brought on a daily basis would be joy.  I learned so much last year about joy and that it is found in His presence.  "In your presence, there is fullness of Joy."  Psalm 16:11  I did experience growth last year in my understanding and a sweet deepening of my relationship with Jesus.  My days were full of prayer and pouring my heart out to Him.  He continued to change my heart.  For this year, my one word is focus.  I felt God asking me in the moments of my day that might lead to frustration, feeling overwhelmed, feeling rushed in the busyness,  "Where is your focus?  Who is your focus?"  This chapter spoke volumes to me about my focus.  Eucharisteo is exactly what has been missing from my every moment.  The way Ann explains eucharisteo, the meaning, the expression of it, and that it precedes the miracle....nothing short of a gift from God.  When I thought about writing down things I am thankful for (when my book was on pre-order, and I had just read snippets about what the book entails), I envisioned sitting on my comfy couch with my journal after my children were all tucked in bed sleeping, writing down list after list of things.  I could come up with thousands I am sure.  But this is not it.  This is reflective, living more in the past.  My desire is to live fully right where I am, to experience the moment, whatever it is, and be joyful!  And that is what eucharisteo is teaching me.  Take my eyes off of myself, off of my circumstances, off of my lists of things to do....and in that moment....soak up the gifts that are right there and praise God for them!  My heart is changing, my countenance is changing......eucharisteo is preceding the miracle!

Let's Discuss Chapter Two

Please post any comments, thoughts, questions about chapter two. 

Thank you for sharing in this journey together!

Chapter One Thoughts

Thank you for your posts.  I love reading about how God is using this book in your lives.  Your thoughts and insight make all that is going through my mind and heart that much more real.  Chapter One was difficult and beautiful at the same time for me.  I must admit that the vision of losing one of my children is probably my biggest fear.  Maybe it is those years of pediatric residency where I saw so much tragedy, disease, death and sadness.  But now that I have my own precious babies, I do fear losing one of them.  I try to give them the freedom they need, but balls rolling across the street, parking lots, my own driveway....all of these make my heart race.  So on one side I have this fear that I won't have one of them tomorrow, but then in the day to day with all that brings (laundry, dishes, numerous diaper changes, spilled milk, correcting attitudes, teaching, etc.), I find myself easily frustrated and at times lacking that deep joy.  Chapter one has shown me that it is okay to feel and ask the hard questions, and gives me a vision for what my heart and focus throughout each day can actually become.

Choosing to be Filled. . .

Hi, this is my first time to be a part of this book club, but how could I refuse sweet Gretchen ~ especially when she suggested such a wonderful book!! My name is Erin, and I am the mother of four very fun little redheaded boys (8,6,3, and 2 years old) and one more baby on the way (due May 2nd)!!

I'm not sure what chapter we are supposed to be discussing at present, but I wanted to make a very general statement about this book so far (I'm on Chapter 5). I have been charmed into noticing the details of my life as if in slow motion, and I am thoroughly taking life in and loving it!! I am so much more aware of the blessings of the simple and ordinary in my life, and for that I am so grateful!!

In Chapter One I love the way she describes the fall in the garden. . .

"We are hungry. We eat. We are filled. . . . and emptied. And, still we look at the fruit and see only the material means to fill our emptiness. We don't see the material world for what it is meant to be: as the means to communion with God."

And, then later in this chapter she talks about how God means to fill us with His glory and grace. . .

"It is one thing to choose to take the grace offered at the cross. But to choose to live as one filling with His grace? Choosing to fill with all that He freely gives and fully live. . ."

How I would love to live with this clarity every moment of every day!!! To live as Brother Lawrence ~ practicing the presence of God moment by moment, breath by breath. To be in communication, conversation with Him all throughout the day ~ praying more and thinking less ~ eyes opened wide to God in each moment of each day ~ the way we were meant to live!

And, I love the way she refers to God at the end of the first chapter as "the God who we endlessly crave."

Amen!!

Hello

I feel a need to introduce myself. I wish we were at Starbucks chatting, but, since we come from 7 states and since I am iced in my house right now, I guess the old blog will have to do.

I am Jennifer. Gretchen and I are childhood friends, and I am LOVING that we are reconnected now that we are mommies. My husband has been a youth minister for 12 years and just this year became a prison chaplain in the federal prison. I have been a stay at home mom since before our oldest (Isaac, 10) was born, with the exception of some temporary teaching jobs here and there. However, just this year I started teaching part-time, just in the mornings. Our middle son (Ezra, 5) started kindergarten this year, and we also have a really funny youngest son (Simon, 2 1/2). So, I probably don't have to point out that this year has been one of huge transition for us, but one during which we have seen God's perfect provision and plan, his ability to go before us to make a path even while we are completely unaware!!

So, on to the book. I can't put it down. We have been out of school for 2 days in a row because of an ice storm, and I am seriously neglecting my children to read this book. Well, I have fed them and we did play a game of Apples to Apples tonight, but beyond that, they've been on their own. :)

I can see in my own life that I have had clearer glimpses of God in times of pain and loss. In the midst of it, I have hated the pain and loss, but on the other side, I see incredible moments of grace and growth.

I completely resonated with the discussion she had with her brother-in-law. When he said "Just that maybe...maybe you don't want to change the story, because you don't know what a different ending holds" and related it to the story of Hezekiah I was so intrigued. I had never thought to relate that concept to the story of Hezekiah, although the concept is one I have often thought about. I wrote about it in this blog a couple of years ago. My dad died when I was in college. I am an only child. I missed him (and still do) like crazy. However, I can't bring myself to want to change that part in my story. As much as I'd love to have my dad back, if I changed that detail, it might change the whole story. I was planning to transfer to a different college but I didn't because my dad died and I decided to stay in a familiar place. A year later I met my husband at college. Had I transferred I would never have met him. The whole story would have been different.

Pain and loss can change who we are. I want them to be used in my life to make me see God more clearly, but I'm afraid this doesn't always happen. I am very excited to keep reading.

Let's Get Started!

Thank you to all of my precious friends that are joining together for the book club.  Of those who said they would like to participate, together we represent seven different states and have twenty-two children!  This book club can become whatever each of needs as we read and learn together.  Please feel free to post your thoughts about the chapter, questions for others to answer, or anything else you need or want to post.  We can plan on discussing one chapter a week, but can change the pace as needed.  Please comment if you have ideas and thoughts to share!
Love you precious Mommies!