Hey guys. I am making my way through the book. I cannot quite put my finger on why I am not feeling so awesome about the book. The discussion in the first section about being whole hearted definitely resonated with me. The part about My God asking me what I had done with the precious lives He has intrusted to me and Stephen was a great, vivid reminder that I have to admit is helping me with the day to day. I have not read much about what I am currently struggling with the most: the implementation of the 'discipline.' I think she had been rather vague about what the means to her. This may not be something anyone else is looking for her to 'outline', but it is my biggest source of struggle.
I have read as my guide (and watched the DVD's) of "Sheparding a Child's Heart" by Ted Tripp. This book spends a great deal of time talking about rich communication between parent and child as a basis for discipline...and discipline that points towards Christ. It goes into great detail as well regarding 'the rod' which I have to say made me cringe at first. After reading the book Stephen and I felt like the things we learned would be very helpful in our home at leading our children to understand their NEED for the cross, and Christ. I suppose the early years are actually more fruitful ground for that discussion than I first thought. There is a lot of talk about mom's being selfish, but I see that bud in my kids as well. What are we to do with that? I am modeling unselfishness, I believe (although imperfectly without question). But unkind behavior, dishonoring talk and disobedience in a child...what are we to do with that? I mostly am hearing to give words to the kiddos. Not just any words...The LIVING WORD. Absolutely. But does the Word suffice in an unrepentent heart? Does modeling alone suffice in a sinful heart? I personally, as a child, and even as a student and young adult, heard the truth - even saw it modeled quite beautifully by those God undoubtedly placed in my path. But I think the PAINFUL CONSEQUENCES of my unGodly choices are what drove me to Jesus. I am not enjoying being the minister of painful consequences to my children. THAT is my struggle.
I certainly struggle with feelings of failure, with being selfish, with not living out my most important priorities and getting bogged down in all the things that one day will BURN, and to those issues I feel I am reading some good insights.
I am actually reading Chapter 6 now. I have to harness my available reading time when I can because I know that there will soon come a time when I am unable to read much at all.
So, I hope these things spark some discussion. I hope that we can all talk openly about discipline. I have found as a mom that it seems to be a little of a touchy subject among some of the mom's I am around. I have found it hard to be able to really talk openly because some don't implement the rod of correction. I will say, for me, that is not a big deal. If you don't and I do, then we can still talk about your discipline struggles. But, honestly this is what is going on with me in regards to the book since it is where a majority of thoughts are focused lately. "Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks." So what is spoken, both by me and from my toddler, is a manifestation of my heart condition. What can heal my heart? Diagnose it? Highlight the root issue that is prompting the short temper? The Holy Spirit. I need more undivided time with HIM. Desparately.
Love you guys
2 comments:
I will try to share my discipline thoughts as concisely as I can since I have a tendency to ramble. I have been learning a lot lately about my children in this area. Practically, we have used the "time-out" discipline method since our #1 child was a little over a year. We explain the "rules" and if they are broken then they will go to time out where they sit and are quiet until we come to get them. If they get up we put them back and tell them "you are in time out for 'x' and need to be seated and quiet." Now there were days early on in this process with each child that I was putting them back in time out again and again and again. But they have learned that I am more stubborn than they are and now I can tell them to go sit in time out and they know what to do. Now that our #1 child is approaching 5 years she knows when she is out of control and will often, when in the middle of a fit or feeling angry, say "I need to go to my room for some alone time" She then comes back and will say that she has prayed about being angry and is feeling better. Our #2 child is still at the stage of having to be put back in time out and will even do his new thing of spitting in time out. For this behavior we take away privileges, which for him is having story time or his special blanket. With reading this book, God is showing me that I tend to focus a lot on the "rules." And that I need to be showing and teaching grace more. My husband and I have both realized that we have a lot of rules and tend to run a "tight ship" and that is not where our hearts are. We don't want to show our kids that they need to obey, obey, obey or we are going to blast them with disapproval and punishment. We want to cultivate a loving and gracious home too. So as I mentioned before we are focusing on teaching them to be kind and gentle with words and hands/actions. This covers a lot of behaviors that we addressed. We are trying to give them room for expression and disciplining for character issues. A good resource that was given to us is a book called "Little People" and it focuses on the fact that if "time out" is to work there has to be "time in." I won't go into all of the book here, but you might want to check it out if Dr. Shulz didn't give it to you at the end of residency:)
Another lessson I am learning is my kids need a routine with consistent eating, sleeping, napping/rest, and activity. So often when I feel like I am having to discipline a lot it is when I have not kept us on our schedule. Our #1 child thrives with activity time (a craft, a reading or math lesson, or putting on some kids praise and singing or dancing around the house). Our #2 child really needs physical activity so we have to find ways each day to release his energy...kickball, red light/green light, and long walks in the neighborhood. He is much more receptive to learning from me when he has this release. So I try to plan out our week with meals, activities, lessons etc. (which takes about 30 minutes each Sunday night). When they know what to expect and have this consistency they tend to listen and understand better. This has helped with my discipline frustrations a lot. I would also be interested to hear what others are doing.
Discipline...in the daily grind it so often feels like it's not making a difference, at least for me. Our 2 year old seems to make the same wrong choices day after day, and I either discipline with grace or fly off the handle (depending on what kind of day I'm having), and then the next day, we do the same thing again. Even as I type this, though, I'm thinking of our 7 year old and how we went through the very same daily grind with him. It was worth it. There really was a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not still disciplining him for the same things I was disciplining him for when he was 2. He really did learn. He really is becoming more and more like Jesus. He really is kind and gentle and helpful. He really doesn't demand his own way every time. As I'm pondering that, I'm realizing, maybe for the first time, that God really was faithful and really did work through my good days and my bad days. You mentioned, gmom, that your #1 child will actually suggest some alone time for herself ( I LOVE that, by the way!!!!). Did you really ever think that would happen when you were putting her back in time out for the 3rd, 4th, 5th time?? When did the switch flip? When did she realize that God had granted her the discipline that you were trying to teach her?? Who knows when it was or exactly how it happened? Somehow, though, as we are faithful to keep doing our very best (or sometimes not our very best, but whatever we have to offer), God steps in with His perfect ways and molds our kids. I'm just sitting here in awe. He's so good to us.
Well, anyway, as far as practical discipline methods in our home...my husband and I both spank. He will use this method more often simply because he'd rather get it over with faster and move on to playing ball or wrestling with the boys. I tend to try to explain more and get their explanation of their actions and then I might spank or I might use time out depending on what I gather from their explanations. We've found that we both need to learn from each other's methods. Sometimes, he's too quick to spank and needs to stop and find out what really happened. Sometimes, I waste time blabbing when a spanking and moving on would be much more effective. As I'm thinking about what's worked for us and what hasn't, one thing that is generally always true is that if we say something along the lines of, "if you do that again, I will spank you," we are sure to follow through. For us, this has become more than just a "discipline" thing, but, even more, an issue of trust. If we say it, the boys know to believe us. Of course, there are times (especially for me) when I'm tired, just don't feel like doing the hard work of being consistent, or just feel sorry for the boy who has blatantly disobeyed and I give in. It never seems to make anything any better, though, and I always wish I would have been consistent right away.
Wouldn't it be nice to have a manual arrive with these little creatures?? My husband and I have often talked about what a process we have to go through to drive a car or be trained for a job, and yet, anyone can just decide to be a parent without any training or licensing. What is up with that?!? What were we thinking when we actually thought we were equipped for this--or did we ever even think that??? It's only God's grace and faithfulness that make our efforts worth anything.
Sorry this is soooo long. If you're still reading at this point, bless your little heart!!!
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