Chapter Nine Thoughts

Oh sweet joy.  My word for last year was JOY, and God revealed many things to me as I read and studied about joy.  Chapter 9 peeled away many more layers of understanding joy for me.

"Awe ignites joy because it makes us bend the knee." 

"The humble live by joy."

~Ann Voskamp

Humility grows gratitude and gratitude yields abundant joy.  I love the mental and spiritual connections that Ann makes for us in this book and in particular this chapter.  Yes, Jesus gives us joy abundantly.  But there are days that I just didn't know how to get there...feeling overwhelmed by circumstances and sometimes just living in the "mundane and ordinary."

And I am learning the first step in everything is bending the knee.  Now I know how to get there....start with bending the knee...humbly letting go....receiving with open hand and leaving the hand open.  That is what I do....when I am overwhelmed, when my circumstances seem more than I can handle, when I want to put on my running shoes and just go away from the myriad of responsibilities and roles.  I start with bending the knee.  I have found myself on my knees.....at my children's bedsides, at my own bedside, in the shower as the tears flow and I pour out my heart to my heavenly Father for the lives of my friends with cancer, friends whose babies are in heaven, lost and hurting family and friends, in our schoolroom as I again realize that it is not by my own strength that I educate these precious ones with whom I have been entrusted, at church as God redeems and convicts and pours out His grace.  On my knees is where life and peace and this abundant joy is found.  Humbly laying it all before my precious Jesus.  He knows, oh how He knows....and loves me still.

Created: Reflections Part 4

Vision


We are created and designed for family.  We are made for marriage.  During the Leadership Intensive, Sally inspired us by presenting a portrait of what we are created for by God.  She shared Biblical truth about family and the purpose of marriage.  Family is the unit created to pass on righteousness and the purpose of marriage is to leave a family legacy. 

"A woman with a vision will accomplish great things." 

"Without a vision, you make decisions quickly and without intentionality." 

--Sally Clarkson

Vision:  n.   the act or power of anticipating that which will or may come to be

Sally shared that we live in a broken world, but we have the capacity to redeem, to build life, beauty and grace.  Marriage and family are about sharing life and leaving a legacy.  We tend to measure our lives by morality, but we need to be faith focused.  We need to release the power of the Holy Spirit in our children, and it is the Holy Spirit in their lives that will bring greatness. 

I am inspired to the core, in the depths of my heart, through the vision that Sally cast for what our families can be.  And being in her home, with her family and friends, seeing this vision lived out and the fruit that comes with time gave me hope.  Hope that trusting in God's plan, and intentionally living the vision He gives for my family will leave a legacy of faith and love.  We are to create a family culture and purpose and decide how our family is going to go out and bring light to the world.  Each family has a work to accomplish.  What is your family called to do?  How will your family bring God's kingdom to bear upon the earth?

God forgives, gives grace, redeems.....we need to bring this light to our children in this broken world.

Created: Reflections Part 3

We are created in the image of God.  Sally shared beautifully that Jesus is the image of the invisible God, and that He is an exact representation of God.  (see Genesis 1:27, Leviticus 26:1, Jeremiah 9:24, Hebrews 1:3, I Peter 2:9).  We are created in His image and are called to reflect Him so that others may see what He is like.  In order to reflect Him though, we must understand and know Him.  The study of God through His Word reveals wisdom that impacts our lives and how we live and express Him to others.  Our heritage is that we were made to reflect the divine.

Reflect:  v. to reproduce, show

I am learning that I can only reflect what I see.  What my eyes are fixed on is what I will become.  We become what we behold.  What am I beholding?  Where is my focus?    Am I focused on what I need to accomplish, on how I want my children to behave, or am I focusing on my loving Heavenly Father? Am I studying His word and discovering how Jesus interacted with his disciples?  How did he treat his disciples in their lack of faith, in their disobedience, as they interrupted him during his quiet time?  My heart's desire is to reflect His image.  This has been written on a piece of paper by my computer for several years.  This will not just happen because I wrote it down and look at it every day.  I must invest...invest in prayer, in studying the Word, in understanding who it is that I desire to reflect.  And I must stop wasting my time focusing on things that are not true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable.

Sally also presented a picture of Fatherhood by looking at God the Father through the focal point of Jesus.  What beautiful imagery she shared as we explored the attributes and roles of God.  Do these attributes characterize your life?

Parent, Lover, Creator, Provider, Shepherd, Teacher, Trainer, Servant, Son, Redeemer, Righteous Judge, Lord of Hosts.

I hope that one day Sally will put her created message into a book.  The depth of study and wisdom is beyond the scope of a blog post and worthy of savoring over time again and again.

My encouragement for us today is to think about what we reflect to our children, our husband, our friends and family.  And start beholding who it is we were created to reflect.

"We are all starved for the glory of God, not self.  There is greater healing for the soul in beholding splendor than there is in beholding self."    John Piper

Photo from Hannah Joy Patterson

Created: Reflections Part 2

The first part of the Created message that Sally shared with us is that we are created for God, by God, to know, love and serve God.  My pastor frequently says, "If God created life, then He gets to define it."  God defines His greatest commandment to us in Luke 10:27, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself." (see also Mark 12:30, Deuteronomy 6:5, John 17, Revelation 2:4)

Sally shared that God designed the life that each of us lives...those children, that husband, those deaths...these are all our portion, our cup.  That is the place you can most glorify God.  We have a choice each day to take our cup.  Jesus accepted His cup and by taking it brought salvation.  As we live our lives each day, ask, "I wonder what you have to teach me here?"

Through reflecting on the scripture and truth that Sally imparted, I am learning that the cultivation and expression of this love and choosing each day to take my portion, will not just happen because I think about it every now and then.  It is an active, intentional, daily process.  Not motivated by guilt, obligation, or fear, but out of the desire of my heart to know my creator, be more like Him and reflect His love and glory to those I am around each day.

Cultivate: v.  to promote or improve the growth of by labor and attention

I need to cultivate loving God, loving scripture, and allowing this transformation and filling of my heart to pour over onto those entrusted to my care.  I need to cultivate these things in my children by intentionally seeing all of the moments in my day with them as my portion, my place to best glorify God. 

Several months ago God spoke to my heart that I need to "take time to receive."  I spend a lot of my time giving to my children, husband, and those around me and even at times feeling like I am giving in my quiet time as I pour out my heart to Him.  But He clearly showed me that I need to be still, be quiet, and take the time to receive from Him.  The imagery was of a little girl curled up in a big comfy chair with her loving father.  She does not feel restless, desiring to get up and get her list of tasks accomplished for the day.  She really is not even thinking of anything other than soaking up her father's presence and love.  And after receiving from God, we will have the ability to cultivate.  This is what we were created for.

My encouragement to you is to cultivate intentionally today.

And for a little motivation to cultivate loving scripture, leave a comment with a Bible verse that you would like to memorize.  I will randomly choose the winner, and send you the scripture in adhesive vinyl (can be safely removed, but not reused) for you to put on your wall, your mirror, your journal or anywhere else you will see it each day.  You can choose the font and size too.

Photo courtesy coriwittman.com

Created: Reflections From My Mom Heart Weekend....Part 1

  

"What may happen when the redeemed soul, beyond all hope and nearly beyond belief, learns at last that she has pleased Him whom she was created to please. There will be no room for vanity then. She will be free from the miserable illusion that it is her doing. With no taint of what we should now call self-approval she will most innocently rejoice in the thing that God has made her to be..." 
C. S. Lewis Weight of Glory

Created. 

Not a mistake.  Not an accident.  Not a mere happenstance.  Created.  And to be created, there must be a Creator.  And to be created, there must be a purpose, a reason for the created one to be created.

I had the blessing of learning from Sally Clarkson and a precious group of women this past weekend through Whole Heart Ministries' Leader Intensive Training.  Sally shared her heart with us and discussed what we as women are created to be.  We are created for God's glory, to love and serve Him.  We are created in God's image. We are created for marriage.  We are created with a purpose.  We are created to be a mother.  We are created to be an artist.  We are created to be a teacher.  We are created for ministry.  We are created for people, to love and disciple others. 
I would love to expound on each of these topics and share the hours of truth that Sally shared with us, and in time I hope to as I pray and study my notes and His Word.  My heart was molded in new ways and filled in ways that I did not imagine could happen.  I am so thankful to God for orchestrating the details and bringing all of these women together who wholeheartedly want to serve and glorify Him more than anything else.  I met women who are real, thoughtful, passionate, prayer warriors, servant hearted, and love unconditionally.  My heart is full of gratitude for their willingness to open their hearts, share their experiences, encourage and pray together. 
Many deep, life changing things happened in my heart through studying God's word and praying together.  My home will be a different place...less harsh, more affirming, more nurturing, more guiding and purposeful.  I also received clarity and inspiration for many practical changes in the day to day.  One thing that God spoke to my heart was to write down what I see God creating in each of my children.  They are all so unique, and God created each of them with a different personality.  I prayed for each child and asked God to give me eyes to see them as He sees them and then recorded on a card for each child what He showed me.  If I had to choose one word to describe Sally's mothering/parenting it would be intentional.  She is intentional about loving, training, nurturing, and inspiring her children.  One of the ways she intentionally loves them and encourages them is through one on one time in her room.  She creates beauty and invites them in to share it with her.  So after I had written on the cards for my children, I prepared a tray with a candle, chocolates and the card and invited my children one at a time for alone time with me.  I shared with each child how I prayed and studied God's word with other mommies while in Colorado and that God showed me things that he is creating in each of them.  My son made me giggle as he plopped down on the couch and shoved the entire piece of chocolate into his mouth at once and looked at me with this expression of, "Okay, what's next?"  As I shared with him, he relaxed and talked and talked.  Each of their faces glowed after our time together.  Later in the day as I was moving the laundry from the washer to the dryer, I heard my "out of the box" son (dressed in full cowboy gear) reading his card to himself, "I am thoughtful, I am loving, I am a friend, I am a warrior...." When I poked my head around the corner, he was folding and tucking the card back in his pocket.  My heart was full and yes, the tears flowed.  My son whom I love so dearly, the one we have had many challenges with this year, felt God's love through his mommy today and is beginning to see a vision for what God created him to be.  Thank you, Sally.  You are an amazing mentor, friend, spiritual mother, and I am forever changed through the truth you allow God to teach you and so graciously share with others.

Chapter Eight Thoughts

I have taken quite a long blogging break from both our family's blog and the book club.  My word for this year is focus, and I needed some time to just do that.  To focus on the source of my peace, my joy, my strength.  To focus on the one who is all grace, all love.  To focus on His calling for my life, both big picture and in this season and seek clarity in it all.  God never fails to meet us where we are, to restore our soul, to give us what we need for each moment.
Thank you for your beautiful posts, for sharing how God is using this book in your life to make you more like Him and to bring Him glory.  I love sharing this journey with friends from all over the country and feeling such a connectedness and understanding.  Your lives are a beautiful encouragement to me and you have filled many numbers in my eucharisteo notebook.

Chapter eight....trust.  God revealed a diagram to me as I journaled through this chapter.  My word last year was joy, and Ann spoke so beautifully about the connectedness between joy and trust in this chapter.

"Isn't joy worth the effort of trust?"  Trust is work and must be intentional and focused.  "There is no joy without trust."  "Remembering with thanks is what causes us to trust...to really believe."  "Opening the hand to receive the moments.  Trusting what is received to be grace."

My diagram looks something like this.....Focus on eucharisteo.....eucharisteo leads to/causes.....Trust....trust leads to/causes....Joy!  Simple, but powerful in my heart as several years of surrender and study of His word came together.

I am learning to open the hand......to receive the moments.....to trust what is being received as grace.  I am learning that it is okay for this to be work...to pick up the pen in the moment and count it, write it down, close my mouth and write it down...it is hard when my flesh wants to be frustrated, to complain...but "isn't joy worth the effort of trust?"  Oh, yes it is....and I choose joy.

Ann Voskamp Interview

Hi!  I came across this interview with Ann recently, and her words encouraged and challenged me greatly!!  If you haven't seen it, please take a few minutes, grab a cup of coffee, and watch it!

Here it is!

Enjoy!  :-)

Living Out Eucharisteo Before My Boys

I just finished chapter 8. I can't believe it myself (especially thinking of the way I devoured the first seven chapters so quickly!), but I got distracted and set the book aside for a bit. So, I re-read chapter seven and then moved on to chapter 8. As I read this morning, I kept thinking, "how did I possibly allow myself to set this book aside????".

Anyway, I loved reading about Ann's encounter with her son...the attempt to understand what was happening "under the toast". I have always had a deep need to understand the issues behind our boys' actions and reactions. In fact, this has caused some conflict along the way when my dear husband has felt that we should simply discipline or punish more quickly rather than talking through the situation. I will admit that there are times he has been right and I've been wrong...sometimes the consequence was clearly needed and should have been expected right away by the guilty boy. BUT I have seen God bring healing and understanding as we've opened up situations and looked at the deeper issues. As I read chapter eight, I felt God affirming that and also leading me to show these three boys how to really SEE God in their brothers, in their conflicts, in their dealings with each other.

I begin to wonder...do I model this? Do I really see God in their little faces? Of course, I want my answer to be yes AND in the moments when they are being so sweet and cute and "God-like" (or at least my interpretation of God-like), I can answer confidently that I see God in them. BUT do I see Him in their faces of disgust or bitterness? Do I see God when they are demanding their own way? Do I give thanks when I feel like a mother duck being pecked to death by her ducklings? Do I see God when they don't look the way I think God looks? Will I be thankful in the next little while when one of them wakes up before I am done with my alone time this morning?

I have some work to do. I want them to see Eucharisteo lived out before their eyes in all kinds of situations. My hope is that giving thanks and seeing joy will be as much a part of them as breathing.

a great day of hiking during spring break with my posse....

The Miracle Of The Hard Eucharisteo

I was feeling pretty good about the whole eucharisteo business, thinking to myself that I was getting to be an amateur Ann Voskamp of sorts. Look out world, maybe I’ll write a book. Ok probably not that, but maybe an interesting blog post at least.

Oh, but wait. Not so fast little missy.

I was sitting at my doctor’s office, enjoying a few minutes of peace while the kiddos were at home with the babysitter. (Side note: Nothing like looking forward to your annual gynecology visit because you know the waiting room will bring some sweet, uninterrupted reading time. I know you’ve all been there girls!)

Up on the table frocked in one of those lovely hospital gowns, I crack open chapter 5. Gulp. I read of her neighbor’s son being killed, her son undergoing a terrible injury, her memories of her mom holding her baby sister as she lay dying, and suddenly, I don’t feel like such an expert anymore.

It’s a little easier to be thankful for beautiful spring flowers in the middle of a busy day changing poopy diapers. This appeals to the writer/creative side of me. It’s romantic in a way.

I imagine the setting: Me, showered and with makeup on of course, busily cooking dinner, a little harried as I’m jumping over toys lying in the kitchen floor, sweetly reminding my children not to strangle each other, and yet, I’m stopping to lift up a thanksgiving prayer for the singing bird on the window sill. I’m channeling my best Ann Voskamp.

Did I mention this was all in my imagination? I can do this I think.

But now…. this? Mangled hands and dead children? I’m not so sure I’m signing up for this chapter. Please, oh please, don’t ask me to go there Lord.

The HARD eucharisteo. Our worst nightmare.

”Joy and pain, they are but two arteries of the one heart that pumps through all those who don’t numb themselves to really living.” Ann Voskamp, Chapter 5

Can we have the joy without the pain please?

I don’t think it works that way here on earth.

And so, the alternative is to skip them both. To live numb with a hard shell covering our hearts. “Nothing’s gonna hurt me. I’ve wised up to the way things work down here, and I’m going to cruise here in the middle. It’s safe here.”

I’ve lived life that way for a while, while I was in the depths of depression. I don’t recommend it. It’s not a good plan really.

And so, that leaves me with the hard eucharisteo.

“Every step I take forward in my life is a loss of something in my life and I live in the waiting: How and of what will I be emptied of today?” Ann Voskamp, Chapter 5

Gulp!

Can I trust that He is good when it is easy to give thanks AND when it’s hard?

“No scripture glasses to read what God is trying to write through a prodigal child? Scrawl my own quick editing on the half-finished story: failure. Satan’s tongue darts.

Not wearing a biblical lens to decipher the meaning of a doctor’s ominous diagnosis? Just read Satan’s slippery interpretation: cheated.

Not using anything to bend the light of this world so I can read my own messy days? Spray on another layer of graffiti: worthless.” Ann Voskamp, chapter 5

And this is why she is writing the book, and I am not. In this one chapter she has written what it took me years climbing out a pit of depression to learn. God’s word is the only thing that will keep my perspective. It is the only thing that will allow me to both soak up the joy and live through the pain. Without it I can’t experience both with any semblance of sanity.

I will never forget calling the parent’s of a 19 year old on Christmas Eve and telling them their son likely wouldn’t make it through the night. Then, after a long night of call, falling into my comfortable bed at home and waking up to celebrate Christmas with my healthy, happy family. The stark contrast was enough to drive me crazy.

So unfair. Satan whispered, “Why do you deserve to be happy when they are not.” Guilt. He then chased that with one of his favorite weapons: Fear. “Just wait. You’re next.”

“Without God’s word as a lens, the world warps.” Ann Voskamp, Chapter 5

So true. So true. It took me many years to learn that. Satan and our sin love to take the truth and twist it and whisper to our hearts, “This could be truth”. Only it’s not. And it takes His word to bring the perspective back.

His word says He is always good. His word says He loves me even on the days I snap at my children while writing a post about eucharisteo (it’s back to square one for me ladies).

His word says there will be a day when “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:4

And it’s HARD. And I have to be reminded over and over.

This weekend I learned one of my 32 year old friend has invasive breast cancer. She’s got 2 young boys the same age as my kids. She is facing bilateral mastectomy, chemo, radiation. Sorrow comes heavily. Then a familiar whisper, “Why should you be happy when there is so much pain?” Then my old friend fear,”O Lord, don’t ask me to walk that road. I have children who need me.”

Can I believe God transfigures all the world?

“Darkness transfigures into light, bad transfigures into grace, empty transfigures into full. God wastes nothing-“makes everything work out according to His plan” (Ephesians 1:11). Ann Voskamp

Lord, let me brave enough to live the miracle that everything is eucharisteo. It is the only way to live.

And now let me leave you with some of my practicing everyday thankfulness (and an excuse to show some pictures of my kids. Sorry).

A daughter who matches the spring flowers

The season's first watermelon

and a 10 year old faithful friend!

Chapter Seven Thoughts

Chapter seven is one that I read and then read again, and then read again.  The convicting truth and precious grace of Ann's words bring clarity to many of the thoughts and frustrations that have seemed to have free reign in my mind.
Do I believe in the power of the pit?  Do I believe that anger and frustration will get me there?  I may say that I don't, but I am really the blasphemer.  God intends to use all of these moments that He gives me every day.  They are His moments....He has given them as a gift.  Why do I return the gift and basically say, "No thanks....try again....that was not what I wanted."  Oh, to see the moment by moment as gift.....the repetitive tasks that I accomplish one day, only to repeat them all again the next, to see these too as gift....to look through these moments and see His gift to me.  Why do I choose to wail like Hagar and not look up to see the well...full of living water?
To be the one responsible for the home, the education of my children, the nurturing of souls every day, and the plethora of other tasks that I tend to can be quite overwhelming when I think about it.  But with each chapter I am learning to slow...God is refining my heart, refining my focus, giving me a vision for ministry, filling me as I pour out.
I am practicing, and I am learning through this journey of Eucharisteo.  My relationships are deepening...with my children, my husband, and my God.  My daughter is journaling her own eucharisteo in Ann's 7 Gifts, Good and Perfect booklet.  We are practicing as a family through our own Trail to the Tree.

Thank you for sharing this journey...please feel free to post what God is revealing to you through these chapters.

Chapter Six Thoughts

Please feel free to post your thoughts (on any chapter or about the book in general) and your questions to the group (and to anyone else who may be following along on the blog).

Chapter six...chasing after the moon.  Those moon moments...do you have one or more of those?

I completely relate to Ann's description of her husband asking her to come out to see something.  The way she felt pulled to complete all of the tasks that she was currently tending to....dishes, dinner, children, cleaning up, etc. etc.  I have felt that tension so many times in my day to day.  Wanting to take the time to .....savor.....every....beautiful....moment.  But knowing that if I don't accomplish x, y, and z, no one else is going to do it and the a, b, and c all starts again tomorrow!
Reading about Ann's experience going out to see the moon for some reason brought the vivid memory of a camping and hiking trip to the Grand Canyon that a group of us took during fall break in medical school.  We drove from Arkansas to Arizona and arrived and set up camp late at night.  We awoke the next morning early and ready to see the canyon.  I was so excited and ready to take it all in.  I started on the southern rim trail, ready to see this beautiful handiwork of God.  Well, when I got to trail, I looked out and all I could see was very dense fog.  I could not see more than a foot in front of me.  I continued walking on the trail and felt very discouraged.  I could still see nothing.  I sat on a grouping of rocks and looked out into the fog and began to pray.  I poured out my heart to God, "I drove all day and into the night....I was so ready to take in your magnificent creation...why is it completely full of fog?...what does this mean?...what are you trying to teach me?....I feel frustrated....I feel disappointment."  My eyes were closed and the tears began to fall.  I remember sitting there, head bowed, tears flowing....and I heard God speaking to my heart.....He said, "Do you trust me?.....Do you trust that my creation you are not able to see is there?...Do you trust that the images you have seen in pictures actually exist in front of you?...Even though you cannot see what is one foot in front of you, do you trust me that it is there?"  My heart changed in that moment.  My vision changed in that moment.  My "chasing the moon" moment.... my place of seeing God came when I was unable to see.
Well, when I opened my eyes, a strong breeze came and cleared the fog....I was able to see the canyon!...I could see!....as quickly as the fog cleared it came again and covered everything.  God used this experience to teach me many things...how to trust Him...to walk by faith.

I am currently reading C.S. Lewis' Weight of Glory as I re-read One Thousand Gifts and I love how the two books are working together so beautifully in my heart. 

"Someone is behind it, in it.  Beauty Himself completes."  pg.110 One Thousand Gifts

"The books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing.  These things--the beauty, the memory of our own past--are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself, they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers."  C. S. Lewis, Weight of Glory

"Eucharisteo is everywhere and I want to see eucharisteo everywhere and I want to remember how badly I want to see."  pg.111 One Thousand Gifts

"The art of deep seeing makes gratitude possible.  And it is the art of gratitude that makes joy possible.  Isn't joy the art of God?" pg. 118 One Thousand Gifts

My prayer is to open my eyes to see....to take the time to see....even when I walk through the fog.

Mission and Chapter Five Thoughts

Our first book in our Book Club was Mission of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson.  It is one of the books that secured my calling, my vision for motherhood.  I struggled with what I felt God calling me to and how I was to reconcile that with all that was around me.  I had read so many books (parenting, discipline, motherhood) that broke my heart for the children....and broke my heart that these books were written under the banner of my Jesus.  God gave me a kindred spirit, a like-minded friend, when reading Sally's books.  Her love and passion for God, her mission as a mother to reach the hearts of her children, her goal of showing her children who this loving Jesus is through her life as their mother is truly a gift.  This past weekend I was able to go to Sally's Mom's Heart Conference.  (My first time to ever spend a night away from my children...other than being in the hospital).  I was able to go to tea on Friday with Sally and share with her my story and how her books have encouraged and changed me and how God is calling me to share that with other moms.  (Truly a gift from God....how often do you get to meet and share with an author your gratitude?)  Then, Sally asked me to share at the main conference on Saturday.  After I shared, several mothers came to discuss their situations with me, and I was able to pray with many of these women.  I cannot put into words in this post all of the ways that God spoke to me throughout the weekend, but suffice it to say...He used the time to refresh my mind and spirit and to refine my heart and my calling.  I encourage you...since it has been 3 years since we read the book together...to pick up Mission...find another mom or group of moms....and read the book again together.


Chapter five delves into the areas of my mind and heart that I have wrestled with through the years. 
"Does anyone whisper in the dead boy's house, 'God's grace...God's grace'?" (p.85)
"When I realize that it is not God who is in my debt but I who am in His great debt, then doesn't all become gift?" (p.94)

I love the way Ann allows me to wrap my mind around the "ugly beautiful" because when I look back on the years of my life so far, I have many many of those ugly beautiful times.  But I am sure that we all have those times....we must have darkness to see light, to appreciate light, and he takes those dark, ugly times and transfigures them. (definition of transfigure:  to change so as to glorify or exalt).

"It is suffering that has the realest possibility to bear down and deliver grace." (p.97)
"God is always good and I am always loved." (p.100)
"...take the pain that is given, give thanks for it, and transform it into a joy that fulfills all emptiness....This is the hard eucharisteo.  The hard discipline to lean into the ugly and whisper thanks to transfigure it into beauty." (p.100)
I love the imagery of leaning into the ugly...not standing up straight and tall and self sufficient...but leaning into the ugly, the pain...not shouting from the mountaintops in joyous expression "thank you" for this, but the whisper of thanks. 
As I am learning through practicing this eucharisteo....I pray that in the ugly I will lean...I will whisper...and He will transfigure.

Hurry [thoughts on chapter 4]

Being in a hurry. Getting to the next thing without fully entering the thing in front of me. I cannot think of a single advantage I've ever gained from being in a hurry. But a thousand broken and missed things, tens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rushing...Through all that haste I thought I was making up time. It turns out I was throwing it away. (from the pastor at the cemetery)

In a world addicted to speed, I blur the moments into one unholy smear. I have done it. I do it still....I push hard and I bark hard and I fall hard and when their wide eyes brim sadness and their chins tremble weak, I am weary and I am the thin clear skin, reflecting their fatigue, about to burst, my eyes glistening their same sheer pain. The hurry makes us hurt. (from Ann in chapter 4)

In the tussle out of a stubborn sleeve, a big brother swipes hard the head of a little brother and Small-Son wails the mad fists and there are coats and boots and still all the dominoes and dishes and books and who has time for all this more? More work? More stuff? More stress? I can feel my pulse quicken fierce. (again from Ann in chapter 4)

Oh, how this chapter brought me to a stand still. This is me. All of it...the pushing hard, the barking hard, the eyes brimming with sadness (theirs and mine), the pulse quickening. I am in despair as I think of the times I have hurt little hearts with my hurrying. I am full of hope as I think that I am slowly and painstakingly learning to weigh down the moments, to give thanks in the moments, to slow down, to stop pushing, to stop barking.

I sat in silence and pondered what exactly to do with this. Do we quit everything we are in? Do we resign ourselves to be late to everything? How do we live in the world but not of it when it comes to hurrying. The answers didn't come right away, but I've sensed God speak them to my heart as I've purposely listened. The thing I am most struck with is the fact that most of the time the reason we are hurrying is not their fault but mine. Oh, sure, sometimes they "dally" (my mom's made-up word for messing around). However, most of the time the reason we are hurrying is because I've tried to squeeze in one more blog post or one more project before we need to leave. On school mornings, I choose to hit the snooze button and that is MY fault NOT theirs. As I've taken ownership over the causes of the hurry, I've seen my patience level go up and their sadness and irritation levels go down. As I've taken steps to give us plenty of space in the "margins" of our day, the need for hurrying has amazingly diminished. As I have allowed God to weigh down the moments through my thankfulness, I have watched my boys' attitudes change...not in a magical "happens every time" way, but in a slow and graceful way. I know the spirit is at work in our family, and I am thankful.

What do you do to live in the world but not of it when it comes to hurrying?

Check this out

Guys, reading the Bible while reading this book has really made me alert to moments that are "not enough" and yet worthy of giving thanks to God. Check out Mark 7:24-8:10(NIV). It highlights two instances where things did not go according to Jesus' plan! Imagine that?... He wanted no one to know he was going into that house, and he wanted no one to talk of the healing of the deaf/mute man he had healed. But, instead of bemoaning his seeming lack of control, he embraced the situation and saw what he was supposed to do...  This is helpful to me because it is an example of my everyday situation. This is good news.

I'm lovin' it

I stumbled upon the re-introduction of the Mommy's Book Club and I am so glad I did.

I am really getting touched by this book in ways that I cannot fully explain or even understand myself. I visited Ann's website and began crying as I looked through all the images. Why? I have no idea.

I think I am on Chapter 5 and I am not sure where this sentence is located in the reading but it has really stuck with me....

"The only words that really matter are the ones I live."

I have been amateur blogging for about a year and have gotten some good feedback. I have not fully decided what my blog will be "about" other than whatever comes to mind. I know that members of my family  have read it and I hope it is a conduit of God's grace in their lives. I hope.

But something about me knows that I can talk a good talk, but I don't think I am experiencing, regularly, that which I describe, that which I aspire to walk in - routinely.

I have moments of thankfulness and slowed time, but I don't live there. I want to live there. I think God wants me to live there. I know my husband and kids would benefit from my living there. And I was in this frame of mind when I picked up "One Thousand Gifts." Providential.

I have never read anything like her style of writing, to start with. I am gripped by it now. Eucharisteo  is a totally foreign concept to me, which I find to be very sad since I have been a believer for over 10 years (yes, G, it has been THAT long since our study nights at Denny's, after church lunches at the PCow and skipping class to discuss life at The Buffalo Grill!)

Seeing all the ways, now, in which Christ gave thanks in the midst of disappointment, poverty and pain and received JOY gives me HOPE. The idea that the poverty of time I feel can be remedied by the simple act of giving thanks is just revolutionizing my thoughts. I don't know if it has revolutionized all of my behavior, but I pray it will.

Being able to weigh down the moment by really seeing it, being present in it, and giving thanks for it - WOW, I never thought there was any way to address that troublesome issue of being human. I thought I was just going to have to live with my guilt and the cycle of hurry and impatience and irritation that drives it. This is good news.

I am wondering how to give thanks in the tragic, though. I know she is approaching this subject. I know she has already lived it (her sister and her nephews). She's touching on, now, the relationship of our good and all powerful God to these "graces." She's discussing those situations by suggesting that our perspective is limited. Unarguably, true. I have been known to be in constant preparation for catastrophe; this is something that is lessening for me, thankfully. But, I have always prepared in order to be able to be "one of those" who can hold on to faith in a good and beautiful God in the midst of significant tragedy. That is a preparation I am completely incapable of doing in my own strength, I have learned. I hope that Ann's words will help me to receive this particular grace from God.

I am needing to experience God's presence more. I have been battling/questioning all sorts of things in light of conversations I have had with very learned non-believers in my family. These are things you can pray about for me. What can I be praying about for each of you?

Chapter 3 thoughts

She's right. It takes learning. Sometimes learning is hard, and sometimes it takes awhile. I keep thinking I'm getting it, but then a very "unthankful" heart is suddenly beating in my chest.

Here's to learning. It's worth it. :)

Eucharisteo

Just got to school...1st graders are arriving in five minutes...hectic morning...classroom is not set up when I get here...Tim was in a grumpy mood this morning...still not used to him working Friday evenings and all day Saturday and Sunday...I'm being evaluated today by the principal...Simon has a fever, should I take him to the doctor?...

As I was setting up the chairs in my classroom, I found myself chanting this mantra "Eucharisteo...as long as thanks is possible, then joy is always possible". Thanks...can I give thanks? I can. Thank you for this job, perfect for me and for our family. Thank you for Tim, for a new job that fits his gifts and provides so well for our family. Thank you for his help in the mornings. Thank you for a great principal who values me and is interested in my life. Thank you for Simon, for healing him and for giving me wisdom to know when a trip to the doctor is necessary.

Nothing around me has changed, but I have found joy. Joy is ALWAYS possible. I'm learning it, s.l.o.w.l.y.....

Chapter Two Thoughts

As I read through this book, with each chapter I feel that so many layers are being removed and exposed in my heart and mind.  I almost don't want to go to the next chapter, because I think that the next chapter cannot speak as powerfully as the one I just finished.  But I move forward, and yet even more layers are removed and truth revealed.  Chapter two was very powerful for me.  Many times in the chapter I thought how could Ann have exactly the same thoughts that I have experienced?....on page 27, "Always, the failing.  I yell at children, fester with bitterenss, forget doctor appointments, lose library books, live selfishly, skip prayer, complain, go to bed too late, neglect cleaning the toilets."  That is how too many of my days seem to be....and that leaves me with frustration.  And this frustration leads to guilt and the cycle continues.  My one word for 2009 was laughter.  My desire was to laugh more throughout my days in spite of any circumstance that I face.  Well, I learned that year that my word required will power from me, and not reliance on God, His presence, or His grace.  My one word for 2010 was joy.  I deeply desired to be so full of His joy, that my response to what life brought on a daily basis would be joy.  I learned so much last year about joy and that it is found in His presence.  "In your presence, there is fullness of Joy."  Psalm 16:11  I did experience growth last year in my understanding and a sweet deepening of my relationship with Jesus.  My days were full of prayer and pouring my heart out to Him.  He continued to change my heart.  For this year, my one word is focus.  I felt God asking me in the moments of my day that might lead to frustration, feeling overwhelmed, feeling rushed in the busyness,  "Where is your focus?  Who is your focus?"  This chapter spoke volumes to me about my focus.  Eucharisteo is exactly what has been missing from my every moment.  The way Ann explains eucharisteo, the meaning, the expression of it, and that it precedes the miracle....nothing short of a gift from God.  When I thought about writing down things I am thankful for (when my book was on pre-order, and I had just read snippets about what the book entails), I envisioned sitting on my comfy couch with my journal after my children were all tucked in bed sleeping, writing down list after list of things.  I could come up with thousands I am sure.  But this is not it.  This is reflective, living more in the past.  My desire is to live fully right where I am, to experience the moment, whatever it is, and be joyful!  And that is what eucharisteo is teaching me.  Take my eyes off of myself, off of my circumstances, off of my lists of things to do....and in that moment....soak up the gifts that are right there and praise God for them!  My heart is changing, my countenance is changing......eucharisteo is preceding the miracle!

Let's Discuss Chapter Two

Please post any comments, thoughts, questions about chapter two. 

Thank you for sharing in this journey together!

Chapter One Thoughts

Thank you for your posts.  I love reading about how God is using this book in your lives.  Your thoughts and insight make all that is going through my mind and heart that much more real.  Chapter One was difficult and beautiful at the same time for me.  I must admit that the vision of losing one of my children is probably my biggest fear.  Maybe it is those years of pediatric residency where I saw so much tragedy, disease, death and sadness.  But now that I have my own precious babies, I do fear losing one of them.  I try to give them the freedom they need, but balls rolling across the street, parking lots, my own driveway....all of these make my heart race.  So on one side I have this fear that I won't have one of them tomorrow, but then in the day to day with all that brings (laundry, dishes, numerous diaper changes, spilled milk, correcting attitudes, teaching, etc.), I find myself easily frustrated and at times lacking that deep joy.  Chapter one has shown me that it is okay to feel and ask the hard questions, and gives me a vision for what my heart and focus throughout each day can actually become.

Choosing to be Filled. . .

Hi, this is my first time to be a part of this book club, but how could I refuse sweet Gretchen ~ especially when she suggested such a wonderful book!! My name is Erin, and I am the mother of four very fun little redheaded boys (8,6,3, and 2 years old) and one more baby on the way (due May 2nd)!!

I'm not sure what chapter we are supposed to be discussing at present, but I wanted to make a very general statement about this book so far (I'm on Chapter 5). I have been charmed into noticing the details of my life as if in slow motion, and I am thoroughly taking life in and loving it!! I am so much more aware of the blessings of the simple and ordinary in my life, and for that I am so grateful!!

In Chapter One I love the way she describes the fall in the garden. . .

"We are hungry. We eat. We are filled. . . . and emptied. And, still we look at the fruit and see only the material means to fill our emptiness. We don't see the material world for what it is meant to be: as the means to communion with God."

And, then later in this chapter she talks about how God means to fill us with His glory and grace. . .

"It is one thing to choose to take the grace offered at the cross. But to choose to live as one filling with His grace? Choosing to fill with all that He freely gives and fully live. . ."

How I would love to live with this clarity every moment of every day!!! To live as Brother Lawrence ~ practicing the presence of God moment by moment, breath by breath. To be in communication, conversation with Him all throughout the day ~ praying more and thinking less ~ eyes opened wide to God in each moment of each day ~ the way we were meant to live!

And, I love the way she refers to God at the end of the first chapter as "the God who we endlessly crave."

Amen!!

Hello

I feel a need to introduce myself. I wish we were at Starbucks chatting, but, since we come from 7 states and since I am iced in my house right now, I guess the old blog will have to do.

I am Jennifer. Gretchen and I are childhood friends, and I am LOVING that we are reconnected now that we are mommies. My husband has been a youth minister for 12 years and just this year became a prison chaplain in the federal prison. I have been a stay at home mom since before our oldest (Isaac, 10) was born, with the exception of some temporary teaching jobs here and there. However, just this year I started teaching part-time, just in the mornings. Our middle son (Ezra, 5) started kindergarten this year, and we also have a really funny youngest son (Simon, 2 1/2). So, I probably don't have to point out that this year has been one of huge transition for us, but one during which we have seen God's perfect provision and plan, his ability to go before us to make a path even while we are completely unaware!!

So, on to the book. I can't put it down. We have been out of school for 2 days in a row because of an ice storm, and I am seriously neglecting my children to read this book. Well, I have fed them and we did play a game of Apples to Apples tonight, but beyond that, they've been on their own. :)

I can see in my own life that I have had clearer glimpses of God in times of pain and loss. In the midst of it, I have hated the pain and loss, but on the other side, I see incredible moments of grace and growth.

I completely resonated with the discussion she had with her brother-in-law. When he said "Just that maybe...maybe you don't want to change the story, because you don't know what a different ending holds" and related it to the story of Hezekiah I was so intrigued. I had never thought to relate that concept to the story of Hezekiah, although the concept is one I have often thought about. I wrote about it in this blog a couple of years ago. My dad died when I was in college. I am an only child. I missed him (and still do) like crazy. However, I can't bring myself to want to change that part in my story. As much as I'd love to have my dad back, if I changed that detail, it might change the whole story. I was planning to transfer to a different college but I didn't because my dad died and I decided to stay in a familiar place. A year later I met my husband at college. Had I transferred I would never have met him. The whole story would have been different.

Pain and loss can change who we are. I want them to be used in my life to make me see God more clearly, but I'm afraid this doesn't always happen. I am very excited to keep reading.

Let's Get Started!

Thank you to all of my precious friends that are joining together for the book club.  Of those who said they would like to participate, together we represent seven different states and have twenty-two children!  This book club can become whatever each of needs as we read and learn together.  Please feel free to post your thoughts about the chapter, questions for others to answer, or anything else you need or want to post.  We can plan on discussing one chapter a week, but can change the pace as needed.  Please comment if you have ideas and thoughts to share!
Love you precious Mommies!

Anyone Up for Revitalizing the Book Club?

I am very excited to start a new book that I have had on pre-order for some time.  My book shipped this week, and hopefully I will have it in my hands soon.  I would love to read it along with you if you are interested. Just email me or leave a comment if you would like to join in!

One Thousand Gifts  by Ann Voskamp